I’m scared. So scared that it’s really hard to write this right now. So many things are happening, so many decisions need to be made. College applications, for instance. I’m terrified of them. I know that I’ll get into college, but the whole process of applying and waiting is a little overwhelming. Not to mention the fact that I haven’t applied yet and I have 15 days to do it.
2014 is going to require so much of me. And a lot of faith. And stepping out of my comfort zone and doing things I
want to do but I’m too shy and my shyness is apparently bigger than my faith right now I don’t feel comfortable doing. Like leading worship. I’ve always had a heart for singing but along with that heart for singing I have this inexplicable fear of speaking in front of people. I hate public speaking. It terrifies me. Last year I had to present a book project on the Hunger Games and I forgot the word district. If you’ve read the books, you know how important that word is. Also, my throat was dry and I was so hot and I got back pains because of how nervous I was. Not to mention that after I finished presenting my legs started to shake uncontrollably. I think it’s pretty clear how much I hate being in the spotlight.
A few days ago my friend Kayla sent me a devotional she wrote as well as a letter. In the letter she said that she had prayed to God and asked him what she should tell me. He’d told her that I had some musical talent and that I needed to lead worship. My exact thoughts when I read that part? “Ohmygosh. Seriously, God?” I put the letter aside for a minute and tried to breathe before I kept reading. I mean, seriously? Could that get any more hello-this-is-God-calling-you-to-do-something?
Today my brother, out of the blue, asked me: “Hey Gaby, if you were able to sing at camp, and when you came home you said that you weren’t so afraid of singing in public anymore, why don’t you do it at church?” Dude, you’re eleven. Where is this wisdom coming from? My stupid answer was: “It was easier to sing there because I’m probably never going to see those people again.” He replied, “Yeah, but isn’t singing to God more important?”
I literally told him to shut up because I didn’t want to face what God’s been telling me to do.
And I know now this is the year in which I’ll step out of my comfort zone and I’ll walk on the water. But I’m scared. Maybe I should’ve chosen Joshua 1:9 to be my #Verse2014 instead of Psalm 119:11.
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9 NIV)
Oh, I’m gonna read that Scripture so much this year. He knows I’m gonna need it.
I’m letting go. I’m letting go of my dreams and my fears. I will listen to God’s calling even though I’m terrified. I know He’s gonna keep doing what He’s doing, sending me people to tell me what He wants me to hear. I won’t be like Moses and give excuses because we know how that one ended [Exodus 4]. He kept giving God excuses and God gave a solution to those excuses. Moses had no other choice but to accept the calling God gave him. I’m letting go. I’m terrified of letting go. But I’m letting go. I don’t know how I’m letting go. But I’m letting go. I’m handing my fears over to God. I will pray to Him, I will find strength in Him, and hopefully soon I’ll do what He wants me to do. Pray for me, I’ll need those prayers.
I’m also praying for you. I pray that if there’s anything you need to let go of, that God can help you let go. Maybe you need to let go of your insecurities. Maybe you need to let go of control. Maybe you’re like me and you need to let go of your fears and accept your calling. Maybe you need to let go of pain. Of regret. Of grudges.
Whatever you need to let go, let go of it. Hand it over to God. He knows what’s best. When you give Him the power over your life it becomes His responsibility to guide you along the right path. It’s a giant leap of faith. But it’s worth it.
I’m still scared. But I’m letting go.
“This is a giant leap of faith
Trusting and trying to embrace
The fear of the unknown
Beyond my comfort zone
I’m letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
Of my destiny
Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go”
-Francesca Battistelli, I’m Letting Go